Life is Short

Life Is So Damn ShortThere are days I feel so hardwired that I can’t let things go because I have been programmed differently.

I made a good pass at it but didn’t expect such a weak link. If I hearken the vows we made, what seems so long ago, and there is no option.

It breaks faith, not only in marriage, but life and soul. I put my life in one woman and at the moment have no thoughts of courting another. I drag through my days hoping I am not noticed.

I am in such a funk in life right now. I am busting my ass  everyday and can’t keep up.  I can’t enjoy my surroundings because of my situation. I can’t make it here on $11.50 an hour.  Whatever little overflow I have, the extra funds that don’t go for food, gas and a place to live, are sucked away by interest I pay for credit that covers the necessities.

I show up to my job everyday ashamed because I don’t feel I belong with most of the people. I wonder who Fucking ties their shoes for them in the morning.

I understand my friend’s son who has Scizophrenia  son to a certain degree.  I’ve Been having very dark thoughts, I know he has them too.  It doesn’t really matter whether alcohol is involved or not.  The thoughts are dark.  

I can’t seem to create a new life after the wreckage because I have this child.  We named her Catalina.  Like the island off the California coast.   I apparently have an ugly record on the books.  I wonder how it got there and how I’ll explain it to her.  

After a year and half I still can’t accept it.  I was allowed to see my daughter Catalina last week.  She was extremely tentative…  Almost like her mother had been saying strange things to her about me.  But Catalina, you have been sent into my life.

Before I get rash… I need your opinion, all of you out there, I need your thoughts and maybe some advice.  I am close to getting on a plane or a ship to travel abroad and ditch family, and my so called friends altogether.

What say you?